Intimacy

Intimacy and Technology
By Chris Kosho
 
Cloud of words related to "intimacy." Created with Wordle.


















"The Victorians could experience [intimacy] through correspondence, but not through cohabitation; contemporary men and women can experience it through fornication but not through friendship."
-Psychiatrist Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin, 1973

Defining Intimacy
The word "intimacy" certainly holds different meanings for different people. Szasz argues that most men and women in modern society search for intimacy as the result of a sexual encounter. Still, others might argue that intimacy in contemporary culture can exist in a platonic relationship, and that romance or physicality are not necessary componenets of intimacy.

Trevor and Candice, two friends of mine who have been dating for a little over a year, chatted with me for a bit about the topic of intimacy.



When asked to define intimacy, Trevor said the following: "intimacy is knowing someone so well that you can predict what they are going to say or do before they do it." Candice agrees. She adds that anticipation is a key part of intimacy, and that intimacy is "a deep knowing" that happens through "shared time and space."

Through the definitions that Trevor and Candice offered, we see the following characteristics of intimacy:
  • Limit to the number of people one can be truly intimate with (i.e. "deep knowing")
  • Usually occurs within the context of physically shared time and space

Why Intimacy Matters: Strong Ties and Weak Ties
Sociologists like Mark Granovetter describe two distinct types of relationship: strong ties and weak ties.

According to S. Craig Watkins in The Young and the Digital: 
  • Strong ties may involve a relatively small group of individuals with whom we share some of the most private details of our lives with, turn to in a time of personal crisis, or vacation with. These connections usually consist of family members and intimate friends. 
  • Weak ties may consist of people we know because of a mutual friend or only see occasionally yet are still regarded as a part of our social network. If strong ties are made up of friends, weak ties are made up of acquaintances. 
Strong ties are perhaps the most significant and essential types of relationships a person can have. As Watkins described, intimacy is a key characteristic of a strong tie relationship. They provide depth and fulfillment in ways that weak ties cannot. But before a strong tie can be cultivated, it must first start off as a weak tie.

Weak ties are nothing to be ashamed of. We all have them, and we all need them. In a world of hyper connectivity and networking, weak ties form the majority of our social circles and expose us to new ideas and opportunities.


I argue that digital technology like cell phones, email, the Internet, and social networking sites are fantastic facilitators of weak ties. Mediums like Facebook allow individuals to create and expand their social networks in ways that before were very difficult if even possible to do.

This Infographic (created with Friend Wheel) shows my social network on Facebook.
A snapshot of my social network on Facbeook. The lines and colors
indicate to what extent my friends are connected with one another.
























Does Facebook make me more social? Yes. Am I more connected because of it? Yes.

But to what extent do I have intimacy with all my Facebook friends? Do we share a deep knowing of one another? How many of my friends know me well enough to predict what I am going to do or say?

Facebook is many things to me. It is a source of entertainment, a place for professional networking, and even a free speech platform. But, for certain, Facebook is not a place where I go to find intimacy.

So why does intimacy matter? The reality is, 99% of my Facebook relationships are weak ties. In a time of crisis, I'm going to turn to the 1%. Those are the people with whom I have intimacy.

Conclusions
Technology and social networking sites like Facebook facilitate, even strengthens, weak tie relationships. But what about strong ties? In Trevor and Candice's case, Facebook has neither weakened nor strengthened their intimacy (although it has the potential to do both).

I don't think anything is innately destructive or edifying. This is true with Facebook.
Facebook in relationship can build or destroy relationships.















Facebook, to some, can cultivate deeper relationships (see Stefana Broadbent's TED Talk on How the Internet Enables Intimacy). For others, it can destroy relationships.

Sources:


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